You can experience either heaven or hell in your marriage. It can be blissful and wonderful. It can also be draining and dying. Whatever you’re experiencing in marriage right now could be a result of your behaviors. WHOOOOAAAA!!! WAIT!!! WHAT?? ME???? NO!!!!
You are NOT responsible for how your spouse treats you but you are responsible for your response 100% of the time. Yes, you are responsible for your actions and behaviors that just may be ruining your marriage! We all can display toxic behaviors from time to time. That doesn’t make you a toxic person it makes you HUMAN. I honestly don’t believe there are truly TOXIC people in the world, I believe there are people who have toxic behaviors. Some display their behaviors more than others and may have a few more toxins in their personality than normal. LBVS!! There are times when it is necessary to remove certain people from your life. However when it’s your spouse, what do you do? You can’t just cut them off with no explanation. There are times when you need to end a TOXIC relationship, especially when physical abuse is involved. Another topic for another day! Let’s chat for a minute about how toxic behaviors can ruin our marriages and relationships.
What Are Toxic Behaviors?
Toxic behaviors are things you do that wreak havoc on your marriage. You don’t have to believe me but over the years I’ve discovered that we have CONTROL over the temperature of our marriage. You get to decide how you want the marriage to feel. The behaviors you choose directly affect your marriage. Your marriage can feel cold where you are not connected, feel lonely or hot where you can’t get enough of each other and are on the same page. L-I-S-S-E-N, I’m not saying everyday will be sunshine and blue skies. Think big picture overall temperature. You aren’t getting off the hook that easy, let’s get specific with the behaviors!
UNREASONABLE Expectations – expecting your spouse to know your feelings without you expressing them. Your partner can’t read your mind. Another common expectation is believing that relationships should be like the movies or reality shows. That ISH ain’t real. That’s for entertainment! HOLLYWOOD only! Get rid of the mentality you seen in the movies and how you expected things to be. Don’t expect your spouse to be the source of your happiness. That is an inside job.
Comparisons– Comparison is the thief of joy! Comparing your marriage to someone else’s will have a negative impact on your marriage. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors in their home. Your marriage dynamics is completely different from theirs. Don’t wonder how you can be like them. Think about what you can do to be a better wife or husband.
Victim Mentality- Don’t blame anyone for your actions. Own up to your MESS! It takes a level of maturity to see how your actions and behaviors led to a certain outcome. Take responsibility for your actions. You have to start where you are to get where you want to be. Your simple sorry doesn’t get the job done, you need to change your behavior intentionally. When you possess the victim mentality you find a way to make everything about you. Marriage is about US not YOU!
Nagging- This is where you can emotionally bankrupt your marriage. I tried this for years friends and it DOES NOT WORK! Nagging disrupts the peace in your home. Nagging keeps your focus on what is going wrong versus what is going well. If you are constantly nagging it makes your spouse feel that they can’t do anything right. Lastly, when you are nagging and complaining all the time you lose your focus on appreciating your spouse. You can’t change him/her so STOP trying. Remember the article Things Won’t Change Until..
Solo Dolo- I’ve tried this one too. I come from a line of strong women and our motto is I will just do it myself. You have a partner for a reason! You can’t fix situations by yourself. You have to share what is going on with your spouse. You can’t make decisions by yourself. If there are issues that needs to be resolved. Think and Resolve Together!
Family First – Your spouse comes before your family and that includes Mama too, PERIODT!!! This is a tough one!! I married a momma’s boy SO I can speak from experience. My mother in law was an awesome person but we have our moments that grew into something GREAT. Don’t let your family ruin your marriage. You can listen to momma ‘nem all you want but they can’t run your house. Quit telling them your business anyway. You are driving wedges between your spouse and them! You want to create unity not division! Teach your family members to respect your marriage!
Trust Issues- Everyone comes with baggage of some sort. Past experiences and beliefs have a role in how you approach relationships. You have to love your spouse enough and be patient with them on this one. They have been hurt in a prior relationship and this is their protection mechanism. However, trust issues can sabotage your relationship. It’s natural to want to protect yourself but if you don’t trust your partner your relationship can’t be successful. You have to learn to move forward and not live in your past experience.
Toxic behaviors are simply red flags that need to be dealt with. They are not meant to be fatal to your marriage or relationship. Work through these behaviors. If you love your spouse the way you say you do then work together to get a WIN for the team. It isn’t as easy as it sound.
Bottom Line: Toxic Behaviors are not Stop signs they are simply Yield signs!
If you are struggling with toxic behaviors, grab a copy of our eBook 20 Tips Every Couple Should Know that provides practical yet powerful behaviors that will move your relationship from good to great.
As always holla at cha girl, would love to hear from you!!