Do you remember that song “Single Life” by Cameo? What does living your single life means to you? For me, it has evolved over the years. I remember a season (very short season) of living my single life mirrored to how Cameo described in his song. While dating “randoms” with a “no strings attached” mentality seemed like a good idea at the time, it was out of my character. During that season, I was broken . . . I was fed up with the way guys treated me . . . I wanted to do to them what they were doing to me. So, I would go on dates with men that I really had no interest in, I would waste their time and money, I would have sex and then kick them out or leave as soon as it was over, and I was not emotionally invested (at least so I thought). I would come and go as I pleased and convinced myself that these random hook-ups were on my terms and my terms only. For the guys I did this to, it did not phase them one bit . . . matter of fact, for them it was the perfect scenario. For me, it was a façade. In the end I was the one I was hurting. This behavior came from a place of hurt and resulted into more hurt . . . mostly a huge disappointment in myself. I was becoming someone I am not by not truly dealing with the pain of what being single brought me. Please hear me in this . . . I am not saying that all women who do some of the things I described above are coming from a place of “brokenness.” I’m not putting that kind of judgement out there, but for me, I know exactly where that behavior was stemmed in whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not. Honestly, I had a poor perception of what being single truly meant. Because of my own issues at the time, I sought validation from being with men or at least having some form of what I thought was a relationship or potential relationship. That season got old just as quick as it started and I needed to re-evaluate my singleness.
Singleness redefined. I found myself looking at everyone else, comparing them to me. It seemed like everyone was in a relationship. I hated Valentine’s Day. I hated that I was beyond the age that I just knew I would be married.
Side note: I have never been the type to plan my wedding day in my head or heart. However, I have always desired marriage and knew what I wanted my marriage to look like.
I realized things began to shift for me after a terrible break up with my ex, whom I affectional call “Satan”. I grew tired of dating “randoms”, tired of hooking-up with people, tired of investing my time, emotions, mental energy, and money into relationships with no return on my investment, tired feeling empty, tired of feeling not enough, tired of waiting, just flat out tired. It was then, I knew a shift needed to happen. I realized I am the common denominator in all those failed relationships. That doesn’t mean that I caused the relationships to fail, but I am the common denominator. I had to evaluate, what was it about me that attracted the same type of guy but with a different face. I had to redefine singleness for me.
It just so happened at the same time of this revelation, I was getting stronger in my faith. I also found myself in therapy too. Singleness was not the cause of me going to therapy, but therapy helped me to redefine my singleness as I began to heal from wounds since childhood that has impacted me as a whole and how I relate to others, especially men. Within a year or so, singleness was becoming more of a joy, instead of a burden. Singleness began to empower me. I realized that I love me too much and value my time too much to waste it on anyone that cannot afford my worth and value. No longer was I allowing men to treat me like the cubic zirconia jewelry that sits on top of the glass case. Everyone gets to touch it, spin it around, try it on, and don’t take good care of it if one decides to make a purchase. I began to treat and see myself as the diamond that is locked in the case. The diamond that many people may admire from afar, but have to ask permission for the jeweler to take a key and unlock the case. The customer is delicate with the diamond and will only purchase when they realize they can afford what the diamond is worth. I redefined my singleness . . . I redefined how I saw me as a single woman. I began to then shift to “single and living”.
For the past 8 years or so, I have been living my single life. Living your single life will look different for each person, so lets not do a comparison game. Basically, for me, living my single life is living a life of purpose pursuing and contentment. I have had the opportunity to speak to countless of single groups, women’s conferences, and sat one-on-one with singles and married men and women. One thing I can for sure say is that your singleness is time for you to go after all the things you feel called to with no distractions. Maybe you want to grow deeper spiritually, start a business, go back to school, write a book, start a podcast, write a blog, travel more . . . whatever it is, your singleness is the time to do all those things with no distractions. If you are single with kids, what an example to be to your kids than for them to see you living your best and confident single life pursuing those passions. Maybe you can invite them along?
Living my single life has lead me to be more confident in myself, fall in love with me all over again, and content with this season. Yes . . . I would love marriage one day, but why should I wait to do things and live life because I’m single and waiting on a husband? I had to expire that type of thinking. It no longer served me. A mentor once asked me, “If you never marry, would you stop living?” My answer was, “No”. There is so much life to live and I decided to live it. If I don’t like being alone with me, then how can I expect someone else to like being with me. Living my single life means loving me and choosing me (not in selfish, arrogant way). It meant discovering my purpose and calling in life.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, I see many couples who are struggling with their marriage or relationship. Many of them are fighting over things that could have been avoided if they had worked out those individual things in their singleness. Your marriage will reflect on how well you did singleness. If you marry someone but you are seeking to have validation or value from a relationship, your marriage will struggle. Your spouse will be under many unspoken and unrealistic expectations to make you happy when you yourself can’t even make you happy. So, it’s important to live your best single life in the most healthy way that works for you. Go out and live your best single life!
About the Author: Hazel
Hazel currently resides in Indianapolis, In. She has a Master’s in Human Resource Management. After years of working in the corporate world and non-profit sector, Hazel 2 years ago took a leap of faith to purse her call to ministry full time. She is currently pursuing dual degrees at Christian Theological Seminary where upon completion she will earn a Master’s of Divinity and a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy. Hazel is the founder of a developing organization called Perfectly Imperfect Inc. to empower women and help restore the family unit. Through some extreme life challenges, and a journey of healing through spiritual counseling, Hazel discovered a deep passion to help empower girls and women.
Through the grace of God, Hazel has reached thousands of men and women via blog posts, her social media platforms, speaking engagements, and radio and television appearances by sharing messages God has placed on her heart. She also sells jewelry through Premier Designs to support her call to ministry, and as another means to minister to women.
Hazel is very involved in her church, Eastern Star Church, under the leadership of Pastor Jeffrey Johnson Sr., where she teaches Sunday school for young adults, Bible Study, new members classes, and is part of the leadership team for their women’s ministry. As part of her seminary education, she is currently interning at Common Ground Christian Church Midtown and is currently seeing clients as a Marriage & Family Therapy Intern at the CTS Counseling Center. She enjoys traveling, cooking, time with family and friends, movies, music and Starbucks is her addiction. n the most healthy way that works for you. Go out and live your best single life!